Throughout my 34 years of life, I have never been attracted to black people in a romantic way.  I never understood this predisposition , but I am only attracted to Caucasian men and women  At first, I thought it was me that had issues until meeting other African-American women with the same preference.

I had always treated this preference as a fetish more so than an actual passion, so I therefore concealed my desires from other blacks including my family for years.  The very first time I had intercourse was when I was in junior high school in Dallas, Texas.  My mother and father wanted to live in a metropolitan area where me and my siblings had a chance of growing up without the stereotypical embarrassments of poverty and illiteracy.

Even though we lived among mostly Caucasians, we were more tolerated than welcomed.  Not knowing any better at the time, I became friends with a blond-haired girl with deep blue eyes that gave herself to the Caucasian boys in the neighborhood.    Well one day when I was visiting her, she confided in me that she and her younger brother were having sex and asked me if I wanted to watch them.

To this day, I think that was the defining moment that changed me forever, because I joined them and we kept having threesomes for a year.  Eventually, her parents caught me having ex with their son and banded me from their home and I could no longer communicate with anyone in their family.  When my folks found out, they whipped my ass raw.

I was sexually stimulated by the belt strapped across my bare ass, but resented the people that were doing it.  In some ways, I did not feel as though they deserved the right to do this to me.  After that fiasco I tried to think about dating black men, but I could not get past being repulsed by them sexually.

As long as I remained in the house until leaving for college, I masturbated in my bed and the bathroom with only the images of the threesome from my youth as a point of reference.  When I finally left home for Texas Tech, I kept to myself for the first two years, but in my junior year, I had an African-American female roommate and we hit it off as friends.  She was into Caucasian men and so was I.   However, I was not as bold as she was, taking on three and four guys at a time.

One night she invited me to a party and it was the first time I was drunk and to this very day, I have no clue what happened to me.  I woke up with my throat, vagina, and anus sore.   I did not try having sex for several months, debating whether I was raped or not until my roommate told me exactly what happened and then showed me the pictures.  The drinks made me what I had feared, a desperate woman.  She gave the pictures to me and told me those were the originals and there were no copies because she had taken them all.  I saw a wild woman crazed for sex.

After seeing the pictures and hearing her story, I felt low in a way, but inside me I still felt like I was being loved in a perversed way.  I knew the guys just wanted a piece of black ass and in turn, all I wanted was white penis.  Throughout my senior year the guy that had obliged me in the photos actually became my boyfriend, but he told me that it could not go further than the campus.  I foolishly made plans to marry him and have his child and on graduation day he shook my hand and told me good bye.

I continued to fulfill my urges with other white men and woman I met along the way until finally settling down with an older white man in his 50’s.  He treated me like a queen and I was no longer this piece of ass that was handled and always told about being a chocolate this or black that.  This man loves me finally and we get crazy stares from people and angry brothers always have comments and my family refuses to speak to me behind the choice I have made for a husband.

In many ways my dream to be with a white man has paid off in so many ways and I have no issues with him smacking me on the ass with a belt or any other fantasy he desires.  Each day, I walk into the high-rise downtown to work and no one has a clue about the life I live.  This is what I love the most.

P. Myers | Fort Worth, TX


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