The Silent Anger Between Black Men and Women

I have received a considerable amount of email from African-American women complaining about not being able to find a good black man.  I knew the answer to this issue immediately so instead of responding to multiple emails, I decided to make this post.  Here areC the deal ladies, there are a lot of African-American men that are still carrying a silent anger toward African-American women that does not equate to the hatred of a racist as in the history of America, but something a bit more subtle.  The guys that were dissed as far back as in elementary school in some cases carry this disposition into their adult lives, especially if they are treated the same by the females within the house-hold.

I have also heard from African-American women with this same disposition toward black men, but in many cases, it involved some sort of abuse beyond verbal abuse. However, in the case of men, the abuse was far more verbal.  This topic is rarely spoken about until I receive emails from black women complaining about the who no good black men argument.  The reason that many of these guys date women of other races that have had bad experiences with African-American women is a way of protecting themselves and the feelings of black women.  So many times black women wonder why Caucasian, Asian, or Latin women are treated better by black men than they would treat an African-American woman.  In the minds of some men they honestly believe that other women are more deserving than African-American women.  This is a very hard pill to swallow for many African-American women. However there are many African-American women that hold the same sentiments toward black men as well treating men of other ethnicities better based on race.

The distinction is that in the case of African-American men and women it is more of a disconnect based on experiences more so than stereotypes related to the texture of hair, color of eyes and skin.  This disconnect is based on the perceived betrayal of those within their own ethnic group.  The problem for most has to do with the application of external stereotypical and racial demoralizing comments that are applied to people within their own ethnic group.  It should also be noted that this occurs in every ethnic group throughout the world because it is based on the way people treat each other within the same group.

The angry mother that talks to her young impressionable son or daughter about how worthless his or her father is may have a lasting impact. Whether it is true or not, the fact remains that the child was exposed to this disposition and therefore could have a lasting impact.  Now, if these people grow up with a continuing trend f failures that do not counter the initial impressions, you will see what we see today.  In some cases these people will actually accept exploitation by other groups based on stereo-types and would not consider being degraded in such a way by their own.

The bottom line is that at some point these people were rejected in some way by members of their own ethnic group and personalized it to a point to avoid a dependency and interaction within their own group.  I know of at least 200 African-American males that do not date, or even consider African-American women.  Also, I am familiar with several hundred women who do not and would not consider African-American men in their own ethnic group for dating, romance, and love.  Once again, this is found in all ethnicities, but the problem with African-Americans is due to a 600,000 person gap according to the last U.S. Census between men and women.  There are far more women than men in the population.  However, there are other criteria that must be considered such as income.  There are African-American men and women that base their preference to date outside of their own race based on purely economic and social advantages.  These individuals are more focused on the earning capacity of individuals and therefore African-Americans as a whole are not known for wealth, but individually entertainers, athletes, and others are distinguished.

So as you can see there is a host of issues that has caused this widening gap.  The whole situation regarding ethnic groups when it comes to this issue is based largely on a social and economic value in comparison to Western European values for beauty, wealth, status, class, and the like.  What this leads to is a stratification of ethnic groups at various levels of acceptance by mainstream society with African-Americans being placed at the bottom rung of the ladder.  Therefore, within that group there is stratification based on skin-color )i.e. high-yellow, red-bone), hair texture (Indian hair weaves), eye-color (contact lenses),  and even down to the diction and dialect of English or language was spoken.  Yet there are others within the group that are comfortable with the attributes given them by birth.  The reality is that no matter the social value acquired within the specific ethnic group, in comparison to the mainstream they are tolerable, but not acceptable as a norm.

Now this diversion ay is based on past experiences of being teased for being too dark, having nappy hair or just being called ugly at some point.  Due to the African-American physical features, the changes are more pronounced and therefore something that brings on more attention also brings on more criticism. No matter what ethnicity you are, the way you treat someone in their younger stages in life may determine their adult life.  There are some who blow through the negativity and continue their lives, but there are others that consistently carry that silent anger.


  1. You really took some time to think about this and that’s why I love your post. You hit on a lot of factors and being bi-racial a lot of the things you write about hits home for me. It has been a life long struggle being accepted by African-Americans because many of the Caucasians rejected me growing up because of the texture of my hair and my wide nose. In some ways that was partially why I made some of the choices I made in life. Some were good and some were not so great as you know. Spent a lot of years trying to prove my blackness and found out that a lot of others like me had the same issues even though I saw no African-Americans doing this, Over compensation is a bitch.

    1. Dated a black guy once when I lived in California and caught holy hell from black women for being with him. I was called the usual array of names and got the glaring stares. The only thing we did was go to dinner that night at Boa. However, I must admit that I was surprised to hear him say a few things about African-American women that didn’t sit well with me either because I know if I would have said what he said I would have been in deep shit. In fact the guy that I am going out with tonight is black and without the peer-pressure I have decided t give it a go because in Berlin it is very diverse and you do see black women with German men also. I love diversity. Jausan, I do understand what you mean in this regard.

  2. I shouldn’t talk about this but I am torn about what to do in my situation. I have a niece in her twenties and her brother sent me an email and a link this past Friday with you won’t believe this in bold letters in the text. I opened it and clicked on a link to see her being walked around a hotel room but-naked by a white man with a steel chain around her neck with a pad-lock. He called her the n-word and other names. I had to turn it off and call my cousin, her brother that was on the verge of leaving the house angry to do God knows what to the guy. I talked him down, but I understood his anger because he saw the whole video. I remember growing up when other black girls and black boys used to call me the bad names and tease me about my hair, skin-color and nose. I paid it no mind and became a successful business woman. She had undergone similar problems like I did but may be she was not strong enough to get through it. Her brother told me details that I really cared not to hear and cried to see my blood be put in such a demoralizing situation. Me and my cousin tried to hide our feeling around her mother for as long as we could then I just burst out in tears. Her brother told my aunt and she had to be rushed to the ER cause of a massive heart-attack. She is recovering still and my niece tried to deny everything until I showed her the video on my phone. She went off blaming black people for all of the negative things that happened to her. We talked for an hour or so and me and her brother realized that she was in bad shape mentally. She told us that she was a sub and the guy in the video is her master. Before the conversation was over she told us of the things she enjoyed with him and said she was a sub. I had no idea what the hell that was until I Googled it. Now me and my nephew are trying to get her into some kind of counseling because hearing my niece talk about eating from a dog bowl and being used as a sex slave is unsettling. The sad truth for my family is that she enjoys being used in that way saying she would never allow a black man to treat her that way.

    1. Keisha she does need professional help and probably you and your nephew also. In her case humiliation has become the norm and the sad thing is it has become acceptable. There are a lot of young African-American women doing this with and ever increasing number of sites that gobble this stuff up. I can only imagine the heart-ache. I hope your aunt is doing better. This is what happens when this social evaluation goes unchecked. Make sure that you seek professional help in the Phoenix area where you are because it is going to take a lot of work with her. I am going to dedicate a blog post to this particular topic later because there are some really deep issues.

      1. I feel for you girl. My last roommate was a submissive like your niece and she also had issues with black men. I came home early from work one day and she was hog-tied on the nude and hog-tied on my living-room floor with some white dude she found on the Internet spanking her ass with a paddle. I called he cops and got her ass out of my place. I’m in no way racist, but I have seen a lot of black girls exploited on the Internet sites. I did not go through any of the bad experiences with black men in my life so in that way I cannot relate. But I do understand where you are coming from. I think Jausan brings up a topic that few black people even know exist.

  3. Hey Jausan love your videos man, however, I must take issue with one thing on this post. Not all of the brothas like the way you described, Yes, a lot of times we may tease about a weave or something like that but it is meant in fun and not to hurt feelings. I just think you are getting way too deep in this because nobody really cares. It’s just my opinion.

    1. H.C. please don’t go there because “some” of you mutha-f**kas doe the Devil’s work and let’s not trip Okay! I used to get teased all the way through high school and had to wind up dating out of my race so that I did not have to get disappointed again by a bullshitting brotha like you. Jausan, you are right there is a silent anger in some of us because growing up in the hood I saw nothing but single moms left behind with kids because of worthless ass black men that thought they had no responsibility. I know it may be fulfilling a stereo-type but I don’t give a shit! It’s true and after rearing my kids and marrying a white man it was the best choice that I could have ever made no for his race but for his being a responsible human being.

  4. Sounds like someone got under your skin really bad E. Graham. This ain’t the place for black customer service complaints. I feel everybody in this threat, but Keisha I going to tell you that it is a fetish that your niece has and I am actually going through therapy for sexual addiction. One upon a time I was in her shoes an it gets a lot worse. She may need a therapist that specializes in sexual addiction. Like a drug, it will become more important than your health and safety. I would give anything to have those years I lost in it back. It seems that she has a fetish for the white master black slave role which can be very hard for others to understand. My counseling partner was into that sexual genre and it lead to her voluntarily desiring abuse. It is self destructive behavior to mask a deeper pain. Have she been sexually abused before?

  5. As a white dude in the South, I have had y share of black women and within the last year I cain’t turn for them. And they always tell me what they would not do for a black man and what they do for me. Every black girl I have fucked let me do anal on them and gave great head. And I will tell you that some of them asked me t call them the nword while having sex, I don’t mean to start no beef, but it is something wrong between the black women I have been with and the black men they have dated, Some have asked me to tie them up but I am not an abuser, I have been dumped by a lot of them for a more extreme BDSM master that take advantage of the girls. The real twist is that I a not actually attracted to black women, but I do love having sex with them, but could never bring one home as a wife or permanent girlfriend, They are smart and sophisticated and I am nothing but a trailer-park red-neck and I can get some of the best girls from Grambling and Southern, but no matter how proper they try to be, they are still black and some places here are not ready for that so I will keep on taking them to hotels and fulfilling their fantasies, A couple of years back one of them bought me Confederate soldier’s uniform replica to wear for role-playing. Anyhow Jausan and ladies I’m not a racist, but what you have in that article reads like the truth to me. Keisha I am sorry about what happened with your niece, but she is an adult and she went to him.

  6. @Truthful White Guy, and you are supposed to be all that living in some goddamn cave in Lousiana… Whatever you say pencil dick.

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